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| well yesterday was pretty crappy apart from my mom telling me that the rest of the family talks crap and says jokes about me behind my back, she basically said that im a disgrace to her and the family....so yeah.......that kinda sucked to say the least....sometimes my hate for her goes beyond words.....but anyways, i went on a field trip today ^_^ yay! to the art museum...dude some of those paintings were like o.O....i realized something again...the most beautiful paintings seem to come from the most troubled of artists, the ones who feel pain and other emotions so acutely it hurts just to look at their artwork. the tragedy of it seems so romantic, dont u think? | | |
| u know what? i really like this song on my profile, it makes me feel like theres hope :) that hings will work out on their own and that i'll be able to see and hear what i couldnt before :). i cant wait till i leave for college. then i can leave all my troubles behind and start fresh. i wanna meet new people, make new friends. which brings me back to the only drawback of going to college, leaving everyone behind....obviously some people i wont miss -_-' cough*mybro*cough but im really looking forward to a fresh start. one thing that would relly REALLY suck is if im put with someone thats all "ghetto" -_-' i would much rather have some chick that listens to country and all that otherstuff, but i have noidea what i'll do if they listen to that raggeaton, rap, and r&b stuff ill go crazy T.T ....... u know what they say u cant spell crap without rap.....-_-' ok so that was a crappy joke (no pun intended) ANYWAYS i wanna buy a yaoi poster so i can have it in my dorm too it will make me feel more at home, lol :) DUDE it would be sooo awesome if i get someone who listens to jrock or that likes anime! that would KICKASS ^_________^ but thats probably too much to ask for. yeah im kinda bored, can u tell?................. so like i knew would happen, everyone is getting even more obssessed about my cousins 15th bday...its kinda starting to get to me -_-' i think my mom noticed and i think she even told some of the family cus last time we were together for a birthday dinner my uncle, whom i hardly speak to, interrupted the conversation(which had been about my cousins 15th bday) and asked me about college....i was like "wtf"? o.O since when have they given a crap about my life? lol! i didnt even expect him to know i was graduating this year! (my own dad didnt even know i was gradutaing this year till like i brought it up this past winter!!!) i mean i was flattered they had asked but it was kinda weird cus they never talk to me.....it was kinda awkward...... i just found it odd, that out of the blue theyd be interested in my life thats y i think my mom told, i feel like such a pity case -_-'.......lol | | |
| ok so this kinda has to do with last post. so i have a friend who i considered to be very close to me(one of my best friends ever) and i found out a while ago, like late last year, that shes kept secrets from me, specifically telling the other person not to tell me, y? i dont know. i mean i thought we were closer than that but i guess not so i kept my mouth shut to respect her decision. i wanted to be a good friend u know? i mean if she didnt think we were that close than who was i to force her to tell me right? so in my mind i forgave her... then a few months later, she made it pretty obvious that i wasnt her best friend, and that we werent as close as i thought, but again i cant very well force her to be my best friend so i came to terms with it. and i was ok, hurt, but ok....... then she started ditching me for other friends and at first i thought, that u know we were still ok,...then i found out that shes planning this whole thing, surprise i guess u could say with her friends and never even invited me to be part of it, wihch u know i guess i can understand but what sucks is that the person that told me this was hurt as well, which is a person thats dear to me, and to make it worse not only was i never invited but the fact thats its being kept a secret from me really does come to prove to me that we are not "ok". what pisses me off the most, is that i still want to make things ok!!! wtf? my mind tells me that i shouldnt be so willing to forgive her and to not pretend things are ok,that i should confront her. but emotionally i just cant bring myself to be mad at her, or to act the way she has acted towards me. when i give my friendship and trust its a lifelong deal or theres no deal at all. its sucks that she apparently doesnt see it that way as well. im just sick of being pushed aside! ugh, i dont even know who to trust anymore. to me to keep secrets from a "friend" is just as bad as lying to them. espacially when you're specifically singled out, and especially when u were so willing to lend a hand my mind tells me to not be her friend, but i cant help trusting her, i cant help wanting to be her friend, i cant help it that i still want her to be there for me, i cant help it that i still want to be there for her, is this what its like to love and need someone more than they need u? if it is, let me tell u its a fuckin shitty ass feeling. thats y i keep my mouth shut.....she may hurt me, but i know that i could never hurt her . thats what FUCKIN PISSES ME OFF!!! ugh im disgusted with myself. i want to push her away, but im not sure i can. i dont want to need her P.S. i will address this before lyn can comment on it because lyn has a tendency to make everything sound wrong and take things out of context, im not gay! shes just someone who i thought was a very very close friend of mine | | |
| ....it all makes sense now, doesnt it?....first they hide things from u, and then... well ....thats not whats important. whats important its that its no longer hidden....i make no sense do i? i guess what im trying to say is that in the end we are all alone. things had begun to get better...i started to have hope, that maybe there was some good in this world, its very hard for me to open up to people, but i was starting to change...then a slap in the face, in some ways im thankful for it, it brought me back to reality. i shouldve seen it comming, the signs were there, i just chose to ignore them and have hope -_-'. maybe people are right when they say hope is for fools, i dont know. i guess we never were much alike, were we? even I realized that long before, i just chose to look past it on a different note, or maybe a rather similar one its all begun hasnt it. once we go to college we lose things, we lose people. even lyn's said it. are we really gonna keep in contact after we begin college? will we really stay friends? | | |
| so this week was pretty uneventful..... lets see....well ive discovered my new obcession, a jrock band called Gazette : D hehehe i went on a downloading streak today ^_^ over 30 songs from Gazette....so sad u cant buy their cds here in the U.S. :( unless u wanna pay almost 50 bucks for the imports :( but yeah, theyre music is AWESOME!!! not to mention the lead singer Ruki, and the guitarists uruha and aoi are soooooooo sexy! lol, see i even said sexy cus thats how hot they are and i never use the word sexy! ^_^ lets see what else did i do this week?......hmm....well started working on my costume, ran pacers yesterday, had a few tests -_-', watched anime...painted a REALLY crappy painting (o yeah i should probably finish that) its probably about one of the worst pieces ive dont, i mean i started out hating the projecy that she gave us and then it went downhill from there -_-' and now i just wanna finish it so i get the freaking grade in cus its already the end of the six weeks, im soooo not using it for my portfolio. what else....found out what fanservice means =D and apparently that kinda scared voiderest, probably thinks im such a pervert now, but steph on the other hand reacted like me ---->*_* ........lmao =D hehhe shes like the younger sister i never had along with yessie of course <3 ooo im exited one more month til the black parade cd comes out :) and one more month til onicon and halloween ^_^ im so going trick or treating, this is my last chance :( well im gonna go watch anime .........c ya | | |
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